A New Beginning

 Bissmillah.
Sometimes I wished I could have run away from the life I was living and start a new life alone. I thought that would be a solution to my problems, if only I could have the knowledge that it would all be OK and no-one would be affected by my absence. But the reality was that I couldn't because everyone in my life had a right over me as I had a right over them. It’s not that I thought I was perfect and right and everybody around me was wrong, but sometimes the problems would become overwhelming and all I would want to do was to hide until everything became better again. But, then again, I wasn't sure if anything was good in the first place. Was I ever a good wife? Was I ever a good mother? Was I ever a good friend or niece or daughter or sister or even considered a good Muslim? Was I anything? But you see, that's where the truth revealed itself. I expected so much from myself and everybody else, that instead of helping myself become better, slowly I kept bringing myself and everyone around me down and it stopped me from becoming a better person. When I first got married I believed I didn't need anything but my house, my husband, and my family. I cut all contact with everyone I knew, even my closest and dearest friends that loved me and cared for me for the sake of Allah and expected nothing in return. I told myself it wasn't worth it, no-one cared about me anyway, and that it was too much of a hassle to handle. So I was selfish I slowly started losing who I was as an individual. As a person, I no longer knew who I really was or how to describe my personality. All my interests were gone. I was an empty person. I forgot Allah and stopped putting effort into worshiping Him. I did nothing extra just the things that kept me a Muslim, and I depended on my husband for my physical and emotional needs so much that it started to become unhealthy. I started feeling so insecure about myself and everyone around me that it led to many problems early and later on in my life and I started hating myself more and more every day. I expected my husband to be my ‘everything’. I thought he was the solution to my problems, but he wasn't, and that was the truth. He couldn't provide me with everything I wanted because it wasn’t within his ability to give, no matter how much he loved or cared for me. it wasn't fair for me to expect so much from him. It wasn't in his hands to control and because of that I started blaming him and hating myself more. Unlike me, he did have a personal life besides the life we shared together. The truth was, I was forgetting Allah. I depended on a human and expected things from him that only Allah could provide me with. I craved love and a happy life, and because of the thoughts I was holding unjustly in my head it stopped me from seeing the good in anything and everything even though it was all around me. It stopped me from enjoying the beginning of the most beautiful time in a married person’s life; it stopped me from appreciating what was actually being given to me. All the love and care and happiness was unseen because I refused to see it. I denied it was ever there and only now when I look back to that beautiful time I can see its beauty and there's nothing in my hands to do but to regret and thank Allah for what He has and still is giving me. I can’t say I’ve completely changed yet but it’s a start; a new beginning inshaAllah, and part of me finding myself again and appreciating life is writing this because I’m realizing the wrong and inshaAllah learning from it. I loved writing on my blog it’s what made me happy and is making me happy now because this is a part of who I was and who I am now…this is me. SubhaanAllah this is an example of what forgetting Allah can do to you. We will always need Him but He will never need us. We worship Him for our own good yet we lack in our worship towards Him. I ask Allah that I never forget Him and that He will always be by my side and help me to become a better friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, and of course more than anything, a better worshiper. I never want to forget the mercy He has and still is providing me and please Ya Allah forgive me for all the sins I have done. Ya Allah forgive me for I have sinned much.